SIXTEEN UNITS!

Definitely on my way to getting a bachelor's in bullshit NOW!

B.S. in B.S. is what i mean.

Well, I am excited for my US/WORLD GEO class. Yes.

SO.

Im trying really hard to weigh the consequences of faillng my Environmental Studies class. Honestly. I cant pay attention, I dont do the readings. AND NOW?

My drafts.

That I need to turn in with my research paper.

Where are they?

At home.

Forty minutes away.

Its due in about oh. four hours.

Registering for classes at 12:30. Luckily this isn't a prereq. But uhg. If I don't pass thats three quarters wasted and 15 units worth of GEs.

Its alright. Its just school. I wont die if I don't pass.

Thats my excuse for everything. What doooo I do. I want to just reprint my drafts and make my own corrections but thats STUPID. I could turn them in next week. But seriously.

MY BRAIN

FRYINNGGGG

I can't keep doing this.

This is the most depressed I've been. I'm hoping it's just a weird mood swing. I feel completely hopeless. I keep telling myself that I'm trying my best. Is it working?

It's worse than summer.

I spent so many hours alone during summer.

how did i end up here?

Yeah. Here I am. Finding just another excuse to avoid responsibility.

Story of my life.

I really really really want a pair of oxfords. I saw a pair of similar shoes at JCPenney (which is, I guess saving money by buying the nightmares of little orphan children in the form of mannequins) and my mom just went and said, "YOURE SO EUROPEAN." Which, makes sense! European bloodline ftw. Its a pretty romantic story actually, the one of my ancestors. Stuff about a woman running away from the Philippines with a Spanish~German man, etc. I think they--and by "they" I really mean my grand..cousin?--has our tree recorded for up to eight generations. Yay fertility!

The pop culture scene eludes me. My only outlet seems to be room mates blasting radio tunes every chance they get--which is rarely nowadays, what with Mayra and her first job at some overpriced frozen yogurt place and Hilda pledging for Delta Sigma Pi. It gets lonely at Mesa Court. I try to take walks apart from the sweaty trek across campus each day, but its getting warmer. The only setback is I seemed to have broken my iPod permanently. Oh well. Investing in a new one in a few years doesn't seem so bad.

I've always wanted to play piano. Ever since I moved in with my father's parents at age seven and set eyes upon that instrument I wanted to tame it. Today, I constantly regret taking classical lessons. It's not fair. People don't seem to understand the constraints. Sure, I can read sheet music, but whats the point? I can only play what's given to me--not much skill in that. Nothing original, nothing impressive. My mom and my brother and my other relatives--they put together this makeshift band and play at parties. I try to join in, I really do, but here I am embarrassingly carrying around a three-inch folder of sheet music while they.. well the word is "chamba." Its sort of like, how do I explain this. They're just ready, you know? My uncle is a fantastic bassist, he takes that puppy for walk. My mom has an amazing ear and is the only person I want singing when they decide to do The Eagles' Hotel California. My brother is Mr. Soloist of course. Always bringing lovely chugs and jenkajenks to the table. My cousin Terrence has a very clean style of drumming, its beautiful. Plus a number of my 14-16 year old cousins sing really well, and they all pretty much play guitar too.

I guess this boils down to the reason I bought a melodica in the first place. I was first introduced to the sound when I listened to DeFacto's Manual Dexterity (dub just seems to sneak in everywhere, doesnt it). I thought it was delightfully hypnotic, hauntingling beautiful, etc. Especially since at the time I was really into whatever work Omar and Cedric touched.

Not to mention, duh, Damon Albarn. It wasn't until recently that I began to notice just HOW MUCH melodica is put into his projects. And after seeing Gorillaz live and seeing them perform what was originally planned for The Hypnotic Brass Ensemble via three part melodica solo, I was sold completely.

It's just... I don't know. Something inside me thinks I can make awesome music and share it with people. The thought of having a small group of friends to play music with, it just sounds so fun. I think about it all the time when I watch videos of bands in the studio, writing, recording, messing around--most notably Between the Buried and Me + Horse the Band. I get anxious.

But here I find myself once again. Pulling out the sheet music. Playing it to the best of my ability. I can't even memorize this shit, I have to be looking at it all the time. I know absolutely ZERO theory, too. Maybe three or four complete scales. A handful of chords. And the only ear training I have can be attributed to one summer when I downloaded a program to help me. DOWNLOADED A PROGRAM TO HELP ME. Even just reading this sounds so pathetic.

Where am I headed? Why do I even pursue these hocus pocus ideas?

I'm studying to be a pharmacist. That's where I'll be in four years, behind a counter. Taking perscriptions. Making bank.

Being miserable.