PEOPLE LIKE YOU

I want to be there for people like you! You are amazing. You are an inspiration! You give me hope. Hope that I don't need to be looking at myself as some dumpy nobody struggling to keep up with everyone, struggling to please everyone.

Of course I've wanted to take drugs. Get blazed. To go to those raves, shoot up, roll around during school functions, smoke cigarettes in parking lots. In high school I had access to it. I had friends. Friends that got into the scene. The temptation was ridiculous, and it's kind of scary to admit that it's still there sometimes. I read stories, people's blogs, about things. And I think, I'll never have anything in common with anyone involved in substance abuse. Even former addicts must have amazing stories. I'm more interested in just how warped reality can get. Lately I haven't been able to remember any of my dreams. And those that I do remember are simple worldly things. Just people I've seen. Nothing creative anymore. So I think, drugs are pretty amazing. You're conscious (so to speak...) and you hallucinate. You see things that aren't there and things that are there are other things. These unique experiences. Almost as if I'm missing out on something quite special. But I guess the world has much to hide still. Raquel would tell me all about being lost under sheets and trees of life. Sometimes I want to hang around them, go to these things, see if anything rubs off. See if they have the audacity to spike my drink. To feed me a hashcake or something. You know, that way I'm not guilty of being weak. Not saying that drug users are weak.. weak as in so easily compromising my personal mindsets and outlooks or whatever--all for just a sort of, temporary feeling. A memory. That and people I am truly inspired by, those that just spark my interest. I want to learn more about them, I want to talk to them. I want them to find me interesting as well but it seems the trend is that they've all been through some type of substance abuse. These musicians, these artists, these intellectuals. So I think, how can I possibly dream of playing with these brilliant minds when sharing a fag seems so.. part of the process? Part of being "on the same level" as them sort of. Almost like crossing the border between fan and friend.

The whole drugs thing though. I would never do drugs! It's more of a curiosity thing. If I'm addicted to anything it's discovery. And water maybe. I like finding out things for myself, but with drugs that just won't happen. I can't allow myself to lose control for something so risky, when you lose control I feel you forget. And you let the world become known to you in a sort of wrong way. Passing you by adrift on a cloud.

I'll finish later but.

Dee Plume is my new hero.

And here are some assuring words from Noel:

"If you do too many drugs it takes away any innocence you have. I don't want that. I want to retain a sense of magic. What I do is quite childlike and magical.

"Drugs aren't childlike at all, they're dark."

I'm tired of being overweight and not having confidence in myself.

I'm tired of getting my hopes up.

I'm tired of being disappointed.

I'm tired of not knowing how to do anything.

I'm tired of feeling alone.

THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG

1. Mom won't let me go.
2. There will be no money for anyone to go with me.
3. Bro will have class.
4. Round 2 of Midterms might happen.

GRAHAM COXON

Graham Coxon. Graham Coxon's music! The man is one of my current inspirations. I believe he has a way of veiling his music with an aura of simplicity. I think I just realized it yes. For the same reasons I enjoy listening to Paul Gilbert, I enjoy listening to Graham Coxon. Gilbert is a very accomplished guitarist with a distinct technical style mashing string skips and pentatonics--or whatever--you simply KNOW its him when he's playing! Yet, he never shies from writing a catchy pop romance tune, and it's quite humbling.

Once I tried to illustrate a short cheesy comic to his song "Girlfriend's Birthday" -- a song about forgetting your girlfriend's birthday. It's so silly and cute and sad:

she's gonna kill me

don't need a bullet or a gun

it ain't no mystery

after a year of havin' fun

nothing i can do

nothing i can say

cause i just forgot my girlfriend's birthday!

Just one out of quite a collection of songs with titles like "Midnight Marianne," "Dreamed Victoria," or "Alligator Farm." The tracks all appear to be a lighthearted joke songs, but then he pulls out some silky smooth guitar licks and insane picking. To hear him cover Two Become One by the Spice Girls with a few really gnarly chords is bliss. And while he's not much of a singer, I love hearing his voice, there's a quality of genuineness in it.

And Graham Coxon has this same appeal--to me anyway! He has a very creative, off-center type of musicality that often goes one way or the other, or even just sort of meanders about in between. But whether or not you like his songs, you can hear that he loves music and has a thirst for experimentation, quite especially in Blur's "13" (Which is... gasp. officially my favorite Blur album?! finding favorites is always so DIFFICULT.) and pretty much all of his music.

It's just very pleasing to hear a musician play and write what they want while still tossing the grey matter salad. And some Coxon's songs, just, they get me really emotional. Notably his most recent album The Spinning Top. The track "Brave the Storm," is what drew me into the album instantly. Plus, nearly all the songs feature acoustic guitar playing. I grew up listening to my mother and aunts and uncles singing along to the acoustic guitar (virtually all of them know how to play) with classics from the 60's. So instantly, I'm reminded of all the fun camping trips and late night garage jams.

But it's not only that, Graham seems to be able to reach those little pockets of my mind where I find myself in the corner of a decrepit room with shafts of starlight shining through holes in the ceiling, and he sits there with me, watching the moon crawl across the sky in the middle of night in a foggy silence. I'm talking about songs like "This House" and "Far From Everything" and "Tripping Over." The quiet, atmospheric ones. And then there are ones that are fantastic for the creative processes. The ones about taking journeys, the emotions to be had, the people to share them with, the places to reach and see and leave from, the ones about growing. (Brave The Storm, Sorrow's Army, Caspian Sea). I swear, I can say something about each song and how I love them all. Even songs like Dead Bees, which I was initially put off by because of it's sort of dark, more agressive tone sticking out like a sore thumb, especially after Brave the Storm.

But as I am adding to this already ridiculously long post, Home is a song I've come to like several times more than I already have. It started with an interview I was listening to with Graham Coxon and some radio host while on iTunes looking for things to purchase among the free podcasts. Needless to say, it was very good. Insightful of Graham's personality and life philosophy really. They talked about literature and intellectual things and even touched on religion and Graham's sobriety over the duration of two studio albums. I wanted it to go on forever, possibly the most stimulating interview I've heard in awhile. And so quotable yes.

Anyways, I don't know if it was in THAT interview, but Graham had mentioned something about his song Home and simply going home and the feeling of it which caused me to revisit the song, read over the lyrics and simply find a new appreciation of it. So much so I'm posting the lyrics in their entirety:

Where's the beauty buried in this land?
What will harm or give guiding hand
To boiling lives that pull up through the sea
Fresh undug from the inside of me
Oh how long can it be? Breaking habits with me

Home. Sanctuary
Home, back to me
It's so hard to be away

Now my heart empties into sand
Bunt and tiny, hold out my hand
This war we live through, rattles in my veins
Many deaths & short circuited brains
Oh how long can it be?

A brave new world to see

Home. Sanctuary
Home, back to me
It's so hard to be away.

Now your arms, they smooth away the pain
Use your power, to take clean away
A world that makes us suffer so undue
Let's fade away start out lives anew
Oh how long can it be? Breaking habits with me.

Home. Sanctuary
Ain't it so hard to be away.

There's the characteristically organic metaphor and language mixed with the more universal and broad imagery that seems to pull the listener from the depths of space into the little dampened inbetweens of caked mud and tree roots. I like the cold days and warm blankets. And some day I'll be going to my *real* home, up there. And that's what cues the waterworks when I hear this song. I start to think of the day I eventually move out of my house. It could be any house, but I'm here with my family, and I'm instantly sad about leaving it. I could barely handle a 4 day school week away from here. My home always just feels so safe and welcoming. No other place feels like this. And while I mope and grow bored during the long Summer days, I really just yearn for a vacation to take me away so I can learn to appreciate how good it is to be home again. I have been blessed with an amazingly loving family that makes this house a real home. Truly, it's so hard to be away.

But yeah. Graham Coxon. Thanks. I haven't been so attached to music since my iPod slipped into a coma long ago. I absolutely love it. I hope one day in my life to be able to see him play live.

I just got depressed a little.

so i just went to the gorillaz website to check ticket prices for the current summer shows across the ocean, and i mean. one of them was at 60 euros! money is so amazing, whether you have it or you don't.

here's to hoping the presale wont be until maybe early september if the 22 date US tour IS truly in October so I have ample time to make money--I'm willing to buy multiple tickets. I need someone with me. And I need someone to help me fight the crowds so I can see Jamie and Damon and Cass and Yukimi and Womack and. and just. Everyone. Because I'm so weak when it comes to these things! I get nervous just paying delivery people for pizzas and signing receipts. I don't know how I'm going to make it to the post office by myself tomorrow (Lord willing I get these presents done!) without a bike lock (will they let me put my bike in the postal annex...?) IM TIRED OF BEING SO AWKWARD AROUND PEOPLE but seriously. If I get to meet the aforementioned, I will have a heart attack. I get all shakey and just. I can't articulate full sentences of deserving praise. I'm still freaking proud of myself because I hugged Gabe Dixon randomly after pictures. REST ASSURED, I RAN AWAY AND DIDN'T LOOK BACK. I still haven't written my essay on the gorillaz cochella rehearsal show, there's just too much i need to say about it. concert reports and emotional dumps are usually written in my first small moleskine, but theres only maybe two or three blank pages left. i'll get to it definitely though. but what do you all care? you're just some chinese spambots. at least i feel like i kinda have an audience. HEH.

This week is so full of surprises. i love my new bike! i feel bad though, i told my mom i would have settled for the cheaper, less attractive one, but she insisted and made a roadtrip to a random walmart to pay ANOTHER extra 20 bux. oh mother, you do spoil. (it sounds like i was shopping for a mail order bride... what.) its so delicious. i want to put some padding on the back, so i can eventually take people (preferably small people, im not too good with balance) places! <3>

just some fun thoughts.

List of Toys to Name:

• Laptop (currently just.. Lappy)
• Guitar
• Piano
• iPod (once fixed! i have it as 'be strong little marshmallow' thats the quote engraved on the back. so silly.)
• Stuffed animals?

Anyways

I need to work on art, and finish reading things.

list.

• draw things for kat/mail off package
• study driving/DMV practice tests
• look for striped tie in closet
• put things away after using them
• portraits! of blur boys among other things. (use those pretty new graphite sticks HNGHNG)
• consult survival kit
• buy sheet of magnet.. material (for saving post-its)

MY LIFE: NOT DOING THINGS I SAID I WAS GOING TO DO

a habit i have

not conquered just yet

i am trying.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

the summer paranoia is back. mother of pearl harbor. father of diamonds.

not as severely as midhigh school though--that was just some bad times.

BUT FFFFFFFFFFF. IM SORRY I CANT BE QUITE ALL THERE FOR YOU.

if you have time for me, thats great. i... almost never question if i have time for you. i will always have time for you, in fact i am more than happy if you have time for me!

"you" is plural, yes.

it is a great honor and blessing. that people even consider me a friend really. i dont do anything. im probably the reason why so many people complain about the unreciprocated work or effort or whatever they put into a friendship.

操你媽

SUMMER LIST OF THINGS TO DO

1. draw everyday
2. play music everyday
3. listen to music everyday
4. watch movies as much as possible
5. learn something new everyday
6. pray everyday
7. get a driver's license
8. get a job
9. or at least be pleased that I tried to get a job
10. fix ipod
11. clean out closet/cabinets
12. rearrange walls
13. film/make S/E/D logo
14. make album art for bros
15. get back to bernard about logos
16. practice piano
17. practice guitar
18. practice melodica
19. practice.. bass guitar (?)
20. PLAY FOR CHURCH GRADUATION CELEBRATION? WUT
21. read
22. read books
23. read short stories
24. read novels
25. read... the news
26. walk to albertsons
27. get a house key first
28. paint
29. watch TV:
30. dr. who
31. dexter
32. pushing daisies
33. mad men
34. spartacus
35. true blood (?)
36. u/s/o tara
37. tokyo dogs .. etc etc
38. watch a buttload of documentaries MMMMM THANKS DOCUMENTARY CHANNEL
39. go to cheap glasshouse shows
40. go to shows period!
41. play/finish vidya gaems
42. do nails
43. grow hair back
44. write letters
45. camping
46. swimming
47. beaching
48. fishing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111 YEAH
49. traveling (? WHERE TO GUISE?)
50. be a better person/friend. try to keep in touch.

SIXTEEN UNITS!

Definitely on my way to getting a bachelor's in bullshit NOW!

B.S. in B.S. is what i mean.

Well, I am excited for my US/WORLD GEO class. Yes.

SO.

Im trying really hard to weigh the consequences of faillng my Environmental Studies class. Honestly. I cant pay attention, I dont do the readings. AND NOW?

My drafts.

That I need to turn in with my research paper.

Where are they?

At home.

Forty minutes away.

Its due in about oh. four hours.

Registering for classes at 12:30. Luckily this isn't a prereq. But uhg. If I don't pass thats three quarters wasted and 15 units worth of GEs.

Its alright. Its just school. I wont die if I don't pass.

Thats my excuse for everything. What doooo I do. I want to just reprint my drafts and make my own corrections but thats STUPID. I could turn them in next week. But seriously.

MY BRAIN

FRYINNGGGG

I can't keep doing this.

This is the most depressed I've been. I'm hoping it's just a weird mood swing. I feel completely hopeless. I keep telling myself that I'm trying my best. Is it working?

It's worse than summer.

I spent so many hours alone during summer.

how did i end up here?

Yeah. Here I am. Finding just another excuse to avoid responsibility.

Story of my life.

I really really really want a pair of oxfords. I saw a pair of similar shoes at JCPenney (which is, I guess saving money by buying the nightmares of little orphan children in the form of mannequins) and my mom just went and said, "YOURE SO EUROPEAN." Which, makes sense! European bloodline ftw. Its a pretty romantic story actually, the one of my ancestors. Stuff about a woman running away from the Philippines with a Spanish~German man, etc. I think they--and by "they" I really mean my grand..cousin?--has our tree recorded for up to eight generations. Yay fertility!

The pop culture scene eludes me. My only outlet seems to be room mates blasting radio tunes every chance they get--which is rarely nowadays, what with Mayra and her first job at some overpriced frozen yogurt place and Hilda pledging for Delta Sigma Pi. It gets lonely at Mesa Court. I try to take walks apart from the sweaty trek across campus each day, but its getting warmer. The only setback is I seemed to have broken my iPod permanently. Oh well. Investing in a new one in a few years doesn't seem so bad.

I've always wanted to play piano. Ever since I moved in with my father's parents at age seven and set eyes upon that instrument I wanted to tame it. Today, I constantly regret taking classical lessons. It's not fair. People don't seem to understand the constraints. Sure, I can read sheet music, but whats the point? I can only play what's given to me--not much skill in that. Nothing original, nothing impressive. My mom and my brother and my other relatives--they put together this makeshift band and play at parties. I try to join in, I really do, but here I am embarrassingly carrying around a three-inch folder of sheet music while they.. well the word is "chamba." Its sort of like, how do I explain this. They're just ready, you know? My uncle is a fantastic bassist, he takes that puppy for walk. My mom has an amazing ear and is the only person I want singing when they decide to do The Eagles' Hotel California. My brother is Mr. Soloist of course. Always bringing lovely chugs and jenkajenks to the table. My cousin Terrence has a very clean style of drumming, its beautiful. Plus a number of my 14-16 year old cousins sing really well, and they all pretty much play guitar too.

I guess this boils down to the reason I bought a melodica in the first place. I was first introduced to the sound when I listened to DeFacto's Manual Dexterity (dub just seems to sneak in everywhere, doesnt it). I thought it was delightfully hypnotic, hauntingling beautiful, etc. Especially since at the time I was really into whatever work Omar and Cedric touched.

Not to mention, duh, Damon Albarn. It wasn't until recently that I began to notice just HOW MUCH melodica is put into his projects. And after seeing Gorillaz live and seeing them perform what was originally planned for The Hypnotic Brass Ensemble via three part melodica solo, I was sold completely.

It's just... I don't know. Something inside me thinks I can make awesome music and share it with people. The thought of having a small group of friends to play music with, it just sounds so fun. I think about it all the time when I watch videos of bands in the studio, writing, recording, messing around--most notably Between the Buried and Me + Horse the Band. I get anxious.

But here I find myself once again. Pulling out the sheet music. Playing it to the best of my ability. I can't even memorize this shit, I have to be looking at it all the time. I know absolutely ZERO theory, too. Maybe three or four complete scales. A handful of chords. And the only ear training I have can be attributed to one summer when I downloaded a program to help me. DOWNLOADED A PROGRAM TO HELP ME. Even just reading this sounds so pathetic.

Where am I headed? Why do I even pursue these hocus pocus ideas?

I'm studying to be a pharmacist. That's where I'll be in four years, behind a counter. Taking perscriptions. Making bank.

Being miserable.